Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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