if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I've blown a few things in my day
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
