he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
