i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
