i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
