remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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