How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
