That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
