he thought i was a dude.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
