EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
