i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
