I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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