Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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