in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize