a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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