Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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