And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
