"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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