Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize