Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
