i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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