i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
