She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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