im drinking this country out of the recession.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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