You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
