The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
