sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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