I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
