My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
