Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
