I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
