Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
That's intense
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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