I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
