so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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