sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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