Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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