Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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