ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i barfeds in our rink
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize