Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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