I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
