I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
