I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
