Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
