i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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