I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
