Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
