Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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