my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
