make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
