I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
