I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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