Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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