Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
