I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
