Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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