I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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