these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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