You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
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