so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
