I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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