The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
